[The Classical Wineaux is Contributing Editor Nightlife for West Texas Weekly. He drinks whiskey at a undisclosed RV Park somewhere in West Texas. His comments are opinions and fictions, and do not reflect the opinions of West Texas Weekly, its staff or its editor.]
I want to raise a liter of E & J to my homies. Herb, Ice, Spider and Big Moe from the shelter. Rest in peace. Don’t let those jive turkeys from the Harris County Sheriff’s Department get you down.
Questions have been pouring in from the Internet. Thank you for your support.
One question I always ask myself before making a purchase at the local liquor store is What activities can I possibly see in my future as I consume? The Classical Wineaux would consider any possibility of being in the sun a downright good reason to avoid anything with dairy in it.
While I cant say it didn’t take many tries for me to learn this, each and every individual negative experience should have been enough for me to learn my lesson. I don’t believe I need to make any attempt to describe the smell of regurgitated milk, liquor and whatever else may have been in my stomach whithin the last few previous hours (I would say there is a good likelihood that cheetoes was one of those items) roasting in the hot sun for you to believe that it is an experience worth missing.
It took forever to get the smell out of my RV. And it pretty much smells like ass anyway (I went on strike as housecleaner when my ex-wife tried to get a lien on the trailer).
As the Classical Wineaux has stated before, I’m a fan of the liquor. However, for those of you who like me dislike beer but find yourself in situations where not drinking is not an option (more on this in “The Classical Wineaus Declares War on Sobriety”, coming to a distillery near you) and the only thing to drink IS beer, here’s what I do:
Rule Number One: ALWAYS shotgun your first beer, that way it actually feels like you’re drinking. Some people think they’re too fancy to drink a can from the wrong end and get a little chill in their whiskers, so if you must, you can excuse yourself to a private area such as a bathroom to get the job done. Bottles are out of the question. If I must drink beer, I might as well get the pleasant flavor of aluminum.
Rule Number Two: Keep Drinking! Don’t slow down or else you’ll remember that you’re drinking beer and the buzz will fade.
Rule Number Three: If you feel like you are starting to fade or you feel like you may have drank too much, shotgun another beer. Consider it to be along the lines of having a red bull.
Peace to all barmaids, barstaff and drinking buddies. Johnny boy, you’re my motherf!@#ing heart.