[This feature is brought to you by the Classic Wineaux, West Texas Weekly’s Contributing Editor Nightlife.]
The Classic Wineaux would like to buy a drink for the following people:
Dr. Doug aka Dr. Black aka Dr. Blackman aka Doug Blackman
Hola! I am the Classic Wineaux, the Gonzo journalist who has the stones to bring you the lowdown on Big Bend watering holes, beer joints and dives.
Who is the Classic Wineaux? He is a middle-aged aspiring writer who smokes filter-tipped cigarettes, drinks bourbon and loves a 99 cent well drink. I live in an RV, clean my rifle and listen to Country and Western eight-tracks. Don’t f!@# with me!
The bar scene in the Big Bend is lame this time of year. Sorry, folks. My advice is to hit the French Quarter (the folks who don’t have enough money to leave NOLA after Mardi Gras are the real deal) or Austin’s pubs. If you’re not drawing a fat-ass disability check like I do, you may not have the resources to rent a weekly hotel room and do so. You might be stuck out here in this s#$%hole swilling Natural Light.
However, this article ain’t about where to go, it’s about where ain’t to go. What are the biggest s@#tholes where knife fights, ugly women and watery drinks abound?
And don’t get me wrong, I love dives. Here’s the secret to running a dive, though: get a lady of the white trash persuasion with tattoos, double Ds and a case of clinical psychosis behind the bar serving drinks. Let her slutty girlfriends run up huge tabs and sleep with the patrons. I’ll walk ten miles of corduroy road to drink at that bar! Second tip, have a jukebox with some Tom Petty and Bob Seeger on it. Third tip, let the spirits and friendship flow freely until someone shoots someone out there in the parking lot.
Here are the Classic Wineaux’s five worst bars in the Big Bend
1. The Pressboxx, Alpine, Texas
This is a dive. But it’s not a good dive. No liquor, just beer. No girls. Dingy, depressing and dirty. The only event is bi-weekly karaoke. Two pool tables and a jukebox full of pirated CDs are the only entertainment.
The Pressboxx is next to a s!@#$y hotel. It looks like the kind of place where truckers get handjobs.
2. Ray’s, Marfa, Texas
This is a wannabe punk rock dive that comes off forced. Hire some f@#$ing barmaids. Have some f@#$ing drink specials. Have a band someone actually gives a s#$% about. This place was re-modeled recently but it still looks like s@#$. Mainly decorated with promotional cut-outs from Budweiser. Only the most clueless suburban hipster would think that this was an authentic dive. If CBGB’s and an airport bar had a kid, it would look like this monstrosity.
3. The Whole Goddamn Fort Davis County of Texas
You wanna put an alcoholic in sobriety? Put ’em in Fort Davis County after nine PM on any given night. Fort Davis has dry and wet precincts and if you are a drunk like me the whole thing is a confusing cluster!@#$. Good job! You’ve created the most boring county in Texas.
4. The Lobo, Alpine, Texas.
Nicknamed ‘the Low Blow’ by Sul Ross students, this place is 100% craptacular. The toilets are disgusting, there is no liquor and I haven’t seen that many tracksuits and beepers since I went to a Run DMC concert.
This is next to a shady motel and has a lame tropical theme. Be careful, you might get something on your d@#$ that whiskey won’t wash off.
5. La Kiva
In honor of this Cowboy Poetry bulls!@# The Classic Wineaux will give the following review of La Kiva as if I was an ignorant, shit-kicking yokel who loved poetry:
This place used to be cool
Way back in the day.
It’s more touristy now… subdued.
The staff are rude,
And may serve food
What has ptomaine in it.
(dang! couldn’t get that to rhyme!)
If you want to submit a bar for the Classic Wineaux to review, go take a flying f@#$ at a do-nut. Peace to all bar staff, waitresses, bartenders and barbacks!
[The preceding article represents the opinions of the author alone. It does not represent the opinion of West Texas Weekly, its staff, or the editor.]