Avoid the 5 Worst Bars in the Big Bend

Avoid the 5 Worst Bars in the Big Bend

[This feature is brought to you by the Classic Wineaux, West Texas Weekly’s Contributing Editor Nightlife.]

We are Brothers in Brew

We are Brothers in Brew

The Classic Wineaux would like to buy a drink for the following people:
Dr. Doug aka Dr. Black aka Dr. Blackman aka Doug Blackman
Vicki Harris
Boyd Elder
Charlie Bell
Beth Garcia

Hola! I am the Classic Wineaux, the Gonzo journalist who has the stones to bring you the lowdown on Big Bend watering holes, beer joints and dives.

Who is the Classic Wineaux? He is a middle-aged aspiring writer who smokes filter-tipped cigarettes, drinks bourbon and loves a 99 cent well drink. I live in an RV, clean my rifle and listen to Country and Western eight-tracks. Don’t f!@# with me!

The bar scene in the Big Bend is lame this time of year. Sorry, folks. My advice is to hit the French Quarter (the folks who don’t have enough money to leave NOLA after Mardi Gras are the real deal) or Austin’s pubs. If you’re not drawing a fat-ass disability check like I do, you may not have the resources to rent a weekly hotel room and do so. You might be stuck out here in this s#$%hole swilling Natural Light.

However, this article ain’t about where to go, it’s about where ain’t to go. What are the biggest s@#tholes where knife fights, ugly women and watery drinks abound?

And don’t get me wrong, I love dives. Here’s the secret to running a dive, though: get a lady of the white trash persuasion with tattoos, double Ds and a case of clinical psychosis behind the bar serving drinks. Let her slutty girlfriends run up huge tabs and sleep with the patrons. I’ll walk ten miles of corduroy road to drink at that bar! Second tip, have a jukebox with some Tom Petty and Bob Seeger on it. Third tip, let the spirits and friendship flow freely until someone shoots someone out there in the parking lot.

Here are the Classic Wineaux’s five worst bars in the Big Bend

1. The Pressboxx, Alpine, Texas
This is a dive. But it’s not a good dive. No liquor, just beer. No girls. Dingy, depressing and dirty. The only event is bi-weekly karaoke. Two pool tables and a jukebox full of pirated CDs are the only entertainment.

The Pressboxx is next to a s!@#$y hotel. It looks like the kind of place where truckers get handjobs.

2. Ray’s, Marfa, Texas
This is a wannabe punk rock dive that comes off forced. Hire some f@#$ing barmaids. Have some f@#$ing drink specials. Have a band someone actually gives a s#$% about. This place was re-modeled recently but it still looks like s@#$. Mainly decorated with promotional cut-outs from Budweiser. Only the most clueless suburban hipster would think that this was an authentic dive. If CBGB’s and an airport bar had a kid, it would look like this monstrosity.

3. The Whole Goddamn Fort Davis County of Texas
You wanna put an alcoholic in sobriety? Put ’em in Fort Davis County after nine PM on any given night. Fort Davis has dry and wet precincts and if you are a drunk like me the whole thing is a confusing cluster!@#$. Good job! You’ve created the most boring county in Texas.

4. The Lobo, Alpine, Texas.
Nicknamed ‘the Low Blow’ by Sul Ross students, this place is 100% craptacular. The toilets are disgusting, there is no liquor and I haven’t seen that many tracksuits and beepers since I went to a Run DMC concert.

This is next to a shady motel and has a lame tropical theme. Be careful, you might get something on your d@#$ that whiskey won’t wash off.

5. La Kiva
In honor of this Cowboy Poetry bulls!@# The Classic Wineaux will give the following review of La Kiva as if I was an ignorant, shit-kicking yokel who loved poetry:

This place used to be cool
Way back in the day.
It’s more touristy now… subdued.
The staff are rude,
And crude,
And may serve food
What has ptomaine in it.
(dang! couldn’t get that to rhyme!)

If you want to submit a bar for the Classic Wineaux to review, go take a flying f@#$ at a do-nut. Peace to all bar staff, waitresses, bartenders and barbacks!

[The preceding article represents the opinions of the author alone. It does not represent the opinion of West Texas Weekly, its staff, or the editor.]

15 thoughts on “Avoid the 5 Worst Bars in the Big Bend

  1. Stephanie Ricos

    Hey! This is a great article and I agree with you except that La Kiva has a new bartender who is friendly–what a concept! It’s a very pleasant change. Also, The Boathouse belongs on your list. Minors hang out there, drugs are exchanged, it’s often filthy and has bitchy bartenders. (My humble opinion.)
    Keep up the good work!

  2. Andrew Suber

    Thanks for the tip, Stephanie. Frankly, I think that the Classic Wineaux is being a bit harsh. I have had an enjoyable beer at every location he has mentioned.

  3. BigBeast

    Yo, all the bartenders at La Kiva are little b@#$%es! They kicked me out for some dumb bulls@#$ and then tried to kick my a@# in the parking lot but you can’t keep the beast down!

  4. Gerardo

    How about the best 5 dives. And I mean dives as in no college kids or North Face wearing hikers.

  5. The Classic Wineaux

    I won’t reveal that information. First off, I don’t know if you are wearing a North Face jacket or perusing a Biology textbook as I type this, Gerardo.

    Second, the Classic Wineaux is not here to make you happy. I did you a damned favor by letting you know some secrets, I ain’t gonna do all the work for you.

  6. LC

    Wineaux gets an A-f%^$#@g-plus for this one. Although I don’t mind that La Kiva might be considered “touristy” as I currently live in Dallas and when I’m there, I am considered a tourist. They’ve always been very friendly to me.

  7. The Classic Wineaux

    Oh yeah, I forgot about two s@#$y bars owned by the same Kenny Rogers looking motherf@#$er.

    The Crystal Bar is a s@#$hole. So is the Buffalo Rose.

    They’re owned by this wack motherf@#$er who looks like Kenny Rogers and kicked me out for drinking too much. If you don’t like hanging out with drunks, why’d you open a bar, numbnuts?

  8. Matt Hodges

    steel reserves is the bomb and windeaux only gets more points for drinking it … double points if alone.

  9. Lee Gonzales

    I agree completely… the Crystal and Buffalo Rose are two of the worst bars around. Bad service. The wait staff is picked for looks, not for their ability to provide good service. Both places get F- from me.

    I can always tell a bad restaurant or bar because they are always hiring… the turn over is bad so the staff leave.

    Great article, Wineaux!

  10. frann

    The best beer is sittin on the Porch listening to music or in the Pit with a few friends..Who goes to bars in the Big Bend?

  11. frann

    I’ll kick the tourists aside at La Kiva, as they have the cheapest Happy Hour on draft beer in the Terlingua area!

  12. Pez

    It’s a reality check, or just a sad reminder of how disgustingly lame your own post-Big Bend hometown is, when all of these look better than your local hangs.

    -Pez from Kerrville