[The Classical Wineaux is Contributing Editor Nightlife for West Texas Weekly. He drinks whiskey at a undisclosed RV Park somewhere in West Texas. His comments are opinions and fictions, and do not reflect the opinions of West Texas Weekly, its staff or its editor.]
Hola! I am the Classical Wineaux. Let me hoist a glass to the following friends (Shorty, Red, Lonnie Glasscock, Avery) with an old Irish toast:
May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.
Happy St. Patricks Day. The Classical Wineaux celebrates St. Patricks Day by getting s@#$housed on whiskey. I generally watch TBS in my RV while I’m drunk. I sure have been seeing a lot of Randy Quaid on TBS late at night. I think his career is undergoing a revival.
But I don’t care. I’m the Classical Wineaux and am not scared of anybody. I’M GLAD YOU LEFT TOWN RANDY QUAID! I’M CALLING YOU OUT!
These are the five top reasons that I am glad that he left Marfa, Texas for good. I like his brother Dennis a lot, but I think that Randy is white trash. I’m white trash, too, but at least I am smart enough to stay away from crazy women. When your wife asks you to pose nude with a gun on your vacation, you tell her, “I”m watching “Everybody Loves Raymond” you dumb b!@#$. I don’t have time to take no pictures.”
So, here are my 5 reasons that I am glad Randy Quaid left town.
1. Evi was f@#$ing crazy. She had crazy eyes. She was always out in the parking lot doing crazy s@#$. Someone should have put her in the booby hatch. It did my Aunt Rita a world of good going to the booby hatch for a couple of months. You get to paint pictures and eat hamburger steak and dance with the nurses on Christmas or your birthday. Hell, there ain’t no shame in being incarcerated for as long as you need to get back on your feet.
2. They put out bad debts. I played Gin Rummy with Mr. Quaid in my RV and he has still not paid me the eight dollars and fifty three cents he racked up. He did bring over a $150 bottle of French vodka, though, so I am glad of that.
3. Why did they have different kids in each one of the National Lampoon Vacation movies? Stick to old Audrey! She is the best. And old Beckie on Roseanne is good too. You should have said something, Mr. Randy Quaid. Bring back old Audrey!
4. They brought to much heat on the scene here in the Big Bend. I was always seeing them TMZ trucks hanging out waiting for some weird scene to erupt. If you ain’t careful, you’re gonna catch exclusive pictures of me taking a piss on your truck tires. Big Bend ain’t Hollywood; you might get your teeth knocked out for inspecting my RV with those cameras.
5. Evi was gonna put some kind of Randy Quaid museum there in her home. B@#$%, please. You can see that motherf!@#er on TV 24 hours a day in a bunch of s@#$ty movies. Also, he ain’t from marfa and just lived here in a hotel room for a couple of months. Why would the museum be in Marfa? Now, if she might want to run a snake exhibit and organic diner, that would be something the market in Marfa would support.
Peace to all my drinking buddies, bar staff and bartenders. The Classical Wineaux rules! I am coming out with Classical Wineaux t-shirts but I am not good with computers and my dogs would probably p@#$ on them.