By Mark Glover
Durango – The big news in Colorado, from lack of anything else I guess is marijuana. The Nation’s first state to allow legally prescribed weed to qualifying medical patients continues to be argued publically. Headlines in the Dove Creek Gazette (pop, 263) this week was an editorial from a medical doctor in Durango who was sermonizing about “fly by night” doctors for prescribing medical marijuana to anyone who could pay the 180 dollar office visit fee.
This got me to thinking and checking my wallet as well.
“What exactly are your symptoms?”
“Well, I think my perspective is tilting unreasonable.”
The doctor’s eyebrow quirks. “That’s abstract. Perhaps you need a psychiatrist.”
“I tried that and that’s when the tilting started.”
“I need something physical, Mr. ah, Glover. Do you have any physical symptoms?”
“Well, sometimes I’m shy around my wife.”
“You mean you have problems getting an erection?”
“Well no, that’s not really the problem.”
“What do you mean ‘shy’?”
“Sometimes I can’t look at her without grinning.”
He rubs the tip of his nose then says, “I need a physical condition to treat you with marijuana. “Headaches, cramps, scratching, have you ever had a disease?”
“I had hysteria before my first communion.”
“You’re not very funny,” he said, leaning back in his chair. “Listen I’m a busy person. Either you have a physical symptom that can be treated with marijuana or not.” He looks in the window behind me, his eyes distant. “You wear glasses, right? Any abnormal vision, dots, colorations, dizziness, blurring?”
“No, not really.”
“What about breathing, chest pain, erratic pulse – any abnormalities there?”
“High blood pressure, flushing of the face, diarrhea, muscle aches, numbness of the limbs?”
“You’re not from around here, are you?”
“You have to be a citizen of Colorado to qualify for medical marijuana.”
“Well I just moved here. My trailer’s down there in the parking lot.”
”Are you a government agent?”
“Have you ever had nausea?”
“Have you ever drank too much at a party and vomited?”
“Well sure, hasn’t everybody?”
He studied me again, then took a pen and scribbled on a pad.
“Take this to the receptionist and pay on the way out.”
Well, as you can see it’s not that easy to qualify.